Month: November 2004

CONCESSION SPEECH

[Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause are heard.]

My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession.

>[Boos, groans, rending of garments]

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming.

That’s really special. And I mean “special” in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons.

That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That’s pretty powerful stuff, and I didn’t see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President’s strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio… well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited “moral values” as their biggest issue, those people changed history.

The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy… Who’d have thought the election would belong to them?

Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.

[Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it’s due.

I concede that I put too much faith in America’s youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples’ tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck.

Seriously, y’do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this:

We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about ’em. We in the blue states are the only ones who’ve been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling “Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!”

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I’m impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it’s not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it’s not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us… we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn’t need its allies, doesn’t need to share the burden, doesn’t need to unite the world, doesn’t need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it’s got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we’re “morally inferior,” I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we’ve done just that.

It’s not a “ha-ha” funny joke, I realize, but it’s a joke all the same.

Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury – as well as conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008.

[Wild applause, screams, chants of “Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.

And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the “media elite,” and the “white-wine sippers.” This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don’t.

So that’s why I’m asking for your vote in 2008, America. I’m talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in ’08!

Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

[Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL BACK to reveal the rest of the stage, the row of cameras, hundreds of unoccupied chairs, and the empty field beyond.]

Written by Adam Felber

My golly was there a lot of commercials

Today I was off on yet another one of my journeys. I made a late start because I had to put in a load of laundry, you can be the most powerful person in the universe but you still need to do laundry. (Actually maybe they higher someone to do it, but that’s unethical, to say the least) Anyway, I was talking about what I did today. Well when I was done with my morning chores I headed off into the outdoors, and was amazed at how brilliant blue the sky was. But I did not have time to dilly dally looking at anything. I went strait for the east side of a town in the outskirts of s bigger town (some even call it a city) with the hopes of kvetching the renown Norwegian pool player. You see, he had really racked up a big debt buying sandwiches at the local delicatessen, always hoping to lull the other competitors with good food and then catch them off guard. It would have worked if he were a good pool player. You see, in Norway, no one plays pool; it’s all about the shuffle board, probably due to the amount of ice they had lying around. But here in this part of the world, it’s all about pool. And so desperate, he had started to take to stealing eight balls. Without the winning ball, he could take all night to set up a shot.
I hung around for a while but it looked like today would be a no show, so after a day of disappointment, I went back to my dormitory, remembering to get my cloths (which by now were all piled up in a ball on the floor) fixed a big boll of pesto and sat down to watch the Simpson’s. My golly was there a lot of commercials.
-Aaron E-J

11/4/0000 – 9:11

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ

A dreadful storm surged east of Seaborgium; they reported atmospheric pressures of 1.i a little ways off the cost. This was a good thing for the bordering countries because the Mariconan where all but about to invade when this storm hit. Some believe it was not just a random occurrence however. Many believe that there is a group that has working in clandestine and subversive manners, fed up with the way in which Amirin had been dealing with the Seaborgium.

ÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝÝ

/4/0000 – 4:30

11/4/0000 – 4:30

Today the chemistry administration of Amirin and a couple people from Capricunis made a breakthrough discovery of the chemical makeup of goat cheese. Using Chromatographic Separation, among other things, they carefully separated out the bio-chemicals, and then put them in a plastic bag for safe keeping.

Tri-Meter (TM) –

a unit of measurement in all of Amirin, a combination of the earth meter and the earth yard; the size of the Amirin meter is the same as the earth meter, but it is broken down the same as the earth yard into three, 12 segmented, increments. The actual meter (M) is one third of the tri-meter. The reason for this is because the Amirin have a 12 digit numbering system.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Conclusions (main points)

Like the ying and the yang, so science has its reactions to its results. Whether you wether is a fair weathered weather, or whether he weathers the storm, hither and thither or wander, together you’ll never go wrong. Whether it is a neutered male goat or cobalt nitrate, both can produce differing results, given the parameters put in place by you or someone/something else. The one constant is that the beginning of the tale and the tail end of the story both, almost always, have to be equal, have to leave nothing out. Also, the perception of color can be adapted, based on the color being left out as a result of the light passing through a given substance.
-Aaron E-J

When Bush made war and broke the piece we sided.

When Bush made war and broke the piece we sided.
Some fear the end is near and war will come.
They taped their houses and lived inside.
When on goes their TV the war does fall.
We see, we hear, we hope the best will happen.
And if it does we cry in joy for all.
But the only way to make this happen.
Is to speak out loud, and to act for all.
Will this happen, we hoped it would then.
But now it seems less sure, less good, less peace.
-Aaron E-J